Usually I tell y'all about the fucked up weirdos that I see when I'm out and about. Don't worry, they're still out there. I don't have anything really exiting to tell you guys except that I witnessed a violent fight the other day: woman versus tree and from what I could tell, the tree was winning.
She's pulling branches off the thing and flailing around yelling at the tree but simultaneously getting wacked in the face with branches.
If you're an unhinged wackjob, chances are I've seen you somewhere because they certainly seem to be drawn to me
6:24 AM
6:05 AM
I had an almost overwhelming urge this evening to skip up and down the bleak gray office here at work, singing "I MADE A PEE PEE, I MADE A PEE PEE!" at the top of my damaged little lungs.
I'm people already think im weird, though, which makes skipping a bad idea.
Damn.
5:59 AM
Dear Mr "Cowboy Baby":
You are not Kid Rock. Please lose the dirty, bleach blonde, scraggly-ass long hair, scruffy goatee thing, LEATHER fedora, and ratty, "I swear I've been riding a horse. A hooker named horse!" jeans. I realize you think that if you dress like this, you may be able to score someone like Pam Anderson....but, you are not in LA. You are in the cold winter city or edmonton. You will wind up w/ someone like the person I will next address.
Sincerely,
BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Uhem.....
Dear "OMFG, WHAT IS THAT??",
Um....while I have nothing against "large" women....I mean, I was fat...... And, I'd like to think that even if I was still fat, and a woman, I would NOT be wearing what you seemed to think was great evening wear for a MONDAY NIGHT in a town w/ no night life. Really, I applaud your jean mini skirt that hid NONE of your business, 4 inch clunky heels that you had no idea how to walk in, lacy see thru shirt that ALSO hid none of your OTHER business, and....and..... your SPECTACULAR thigh high black fishnet stockings. They were all a special treat to behold. Especially since the stockings were partially rolled down. And had skin/fat already trying to escape out of all the holes in the fishnet. I swear I actually think I heard the nylon screaming "hellllp meeeeeeeeee".
Really if i was a woman and dressed like THAT, (or actually, even if I had a ridiculously perfect body, and dressed like that) that someone would double bolt the doors to my house, and refuse to let me leave. I'd even understand if a stun gun needed to be involved.
But, hey! Look on the bright side! I think Kid Rock over there might think you're hot!! I mean, give him a bottle of scotch, and he'll be sure to watch your..... Hey! Speaking of, I think you owe us all some scotch!
Sincerely,
An Amazed Fellow Shopper.
5:59 AM
Because yesterday, after looking for a ski hat in the storage room, I found leftover bubble wrap, I spread it out on the hardwood floor and spent 45 minutes riding my roll-y chair over it. In my underwear.
5:57 AM
Inappropriate or otherwise effed up thoughts I had last night during King Kong (which i watched before work)
During the first 30 minutes of the film: "These nachos from huskey are pretty good, but 7-Eleven's are so, SO much better. Mmmmm, nachos. NACHOS!"
During the first bout of Kong action: "How come we can't see his big giant gorilla junk? Wouldn't it just kinda be, you know, bouncing around and stuff? This certainly isn't very realistic..."
During the dinosaur stampede: "No one shit their pants. Come on, SOMEONE would have shit his pants! So much for character development!"
During the girl-and-beast fall-lin-love sequence: "Awwww...This is gonna be real sweet, right up until the twenty-five-foot gorilla wants to mate."
During the scary man-eating worm part: "Holy crap! I'm never going near an uncircumcised wiener again!"
During the ice-sliding scene: "Boy, I bet those big giant gorilla balls are frozen solid. Poor monkey."
During the part where Naomi Watts climbs the spire of the Empire State Building in a diaphanous white dress: "Boy, bet the shot from beneath her was a doozy."
Throughout the entire three hours: "Hmmmm...Lord of the Rings was rife with ambiguous homosexuality. King Kong, even more so. Peter Jackson...gay gay gay gay gay. And Adrien Brody. Please god, Adrien Brody. Just let me HAVE HIM, GOD. I hate you. Sigh."
If you can look past my depravity enough to take my advice...go see it. After that, I defy you to tell me I'm wrong about any of this.
1:45 AM
Well, I just got off the toilet a few minutes ago and have had, for lack of better words, a divine revelation. Stigmata.
You see, my poop was in the shape of a cross. A perfect cross.
Had I looked closer, I’m certain the detail would have exposed Jesus himself amongst yesterday’s brunch and now today’s miracle; smiling, winking, giving me the thumbs up. But I didn’t look closer - I mean, after all, what more evidence do I need? I’m a believer.
I’m not going to be one of those capitalist believers either. No, my poop is not for sale on eBay. It’s my own private little miracle and not going to be anyone’s freak show that they’d droop over their mantle and comment about to their friends during dinner parties. No way.
I’m not one of those people that leave it to go unnoticed either. The coincidence is too strong to ignore: Friday night I watched ‘Religulous’ with Bill Maher, and this of course is a sign from God Himself to ignore the mockery made of Him and to follow Him on the path of righteousness to salvation.
Wait, did I just say “follow Him on the path of righteousness to salvation”? That sounds like work. Whoa. Forget that.
Nope, now it’s just a poop in the shape of a ‘t’ again.
1:38 AM
Star Wars IV: A New Hope: A farm boy proves he can move away from an interstellar alberta, unlike here on earth.
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back: A farm boy learns how he can potentially fondle women remotely - from a funny little green man that sounds surprisingly like Kermit the frog with a 2 pack a day smoking addiction.
Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi: A farm boy’s hopes for fucking his sister are dashed. Furry creatures called Ewoks can provide temporary relief.
Silence of the Lambs: Lesbian women have smelly snoochies. And don’t fuck around with taunting police if you plan on eating people, you’ll get caught.
The Matrix: Samuel Jackson is not the same person as Lawrence Fishburne.
Apocalypse Now: A movie that starts off really fucking awesome can turn out really fucking bad all of a sudden.
The Bourne Identity series: Motion sickness doesn’t only happen in cars, it can happen in living rooms when you’re watching movies.
The Great Escape: If you’re going to be captured by Germans, bring a baseball to your prison camp. Also bring a bunch of friends that can dig tunnels, but not French guys, they tend to freak out easily.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Shooting ropes at 100 yards is easy. Don’t trust people with nicknames.
Pulp Fiction: You can draw a little square in midair by moving your fingers around.
The Shawshank Redemption: Always bunk with Tim Robbins if you can, but probably don’t let him sleep in the same bed as you because he’ll be pent up.
Field of Dreams: Always do market research first.
Rain Man: I’m shitty at counting things.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind: It’s not always about anal probes. And I like the versatility of mashed potatoes, they go with pretty much everything, including ‘craziness’.
The Amityville Horror: Don’t buy a haunted house. Also, Long Island is full of nutjobs.
Leaving Las Vegas: Don’t drink if you want to have sex with hookers. Wait till after.
From Dusk Till Dawn: Having a bullet hole in your hand looks like an exciting new form of masturbation.
Independence Day: Alien ships rely on Windows Vista.
Aliens: Fuck saving people, save yourself.
Saving Private Ryan: Fuck saving people, save yourself.
Terminator: Fuck saving people, save yourself.
Lord of the Rings: Pretty much anyone could probably bully hobbits into sex. Also, you can go for a year without shaving and still look good.
Fight Club: Punch that fucker Brad Pitt if you see him. No wait, don’t, you’ll only punch yourself.
Trainspotting: It has nothing to do with spotting trains. Don’t fall into toilets.
Forrest Gump: Don’t sit on a park bench if you don’t want to be bored by weird people. Sally Field is easy.
Titanic: Sitting through a terrible three hour long movie in order to see someone’s boobs for three seconds isn’t worth it.
The Passion of The Christ: Beating up Jesus makes you famous.
Ghost: Pottery is fucking boring. Also, if you can pass through walls at will, why would you bother looking at Demi Moore?
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: Gravity is an irrelevant western concept.
Indiana Jones: Your clothing will never rip if you’re an archaeologist.
No Country For Old Men: If there’s some deep underlying premise to a movie, a psychopathic killer with a pneumatic brain hammer will negate it.
The Goonies: Chinese kids are smarter than me.
1:25 AM
When I was a young and still devastatingly handsome child, my cousins would on occasion come visit my family out in the treacherous prairie jungle, teeming with fanged cattle and rabid gophers)
Anyways, getting back to the story, the would come over and visit, as kids we would go out to play - my cousins were two slightly simple boys of immediate redneck descent. They were tactless. See, we’d go out into their garden and break out the toy cars and make roads to drive them on. But the thing was, these boys - let’s call them collectively the ‘Naab’ boys because that’s all I can think of at the moment - would bring the proverbial knife to a gun fight. They’d haul out the big Tonka dump trucks AND the little wee Matchbox cars and drive them around and bang them into each other or whatever kids do with toy cars.
This never sat well with me. See, if you’re building a society out of dirt and mud, the citizens of Imaginationland wouldn’t be all BIG like the people that would drive the Tonka trucks and SMALL like people that would drive the Matchbox cars, they would probably be somewhat uniform in scale. The proportions were all wrong. For this reason I would argue that we either set aside all the Matchbox (tiny) cars and play exclusively with the Tonka (big) toys, or vice versa. Can’t have both of these things on the same roads, it just doesn’t make sense.
The Naabs, bless their simple tobacco-spitting genes, didn’t care. They didn’t see it as anything to bother about. They’d be all dumb and happy to drive the little tiny cars into the back of a huge bloody dump truck. The fact that these two entities should never exist together in the same play session didn’t bother them one bit. I remember being upset by this - it was all out of whack and entirely dysfunctional. Then I’d ride my bike all the way home and build my own proportional and accurate universe in my own sandbox, to hell with their nonsensical world.
Fast forward to today - I see examples of this lack of regard everywhere - it seems to be a growing trend to mix all sorts of strange and bizarre universes together. That’s shouldn’t be.
For example, never should the Predator and Alien exist in the same movie. I call bullshit. Alien was from the future, Predator was from the present. How on earth anyone can shovel these two creatures into the same film is just beyond my comprehension. Even if the two beings happened to live in the same time span, you’d think they’d be all “Hey let’s have a coffee and discuss how we’re going to divvy up society” [quite literally], then kinda stay out of each other’s hair while they did their thing.
Or Freddy vs. Jason. WTF? Freddy Kreuger was an urban monster that lived in the minds of people for the most part, while Jason Voorhees was a more rural summer holiday type opportunist that would lurk in the bushes of teenage band camps and pick off screaming pubescent idiots one by one. Why Jason would bother with Freddy is beyond me. They shouldn’t be in the same film.
See, what set this whole rant off was a recent video game ad I saw on TV - pitting the ancient Japanese warriors from Mortal Combat versus the DC comics characters like Batman and Superman or whoever the hell the DC comics world perennially claims to.
Excuse me? Who the hell in their right mind puts these two groups of characters together? They’re from different universes, they shouldn’t be in the same video game AT ALL. Jesus Christ, get a grip on reality, people. You wouldn’t put a hot dog in a hamburger bun would you? It just doesn’t make sense.
People like this have no problem mixing Lego with Duplo or frikking Lincoln Logs I bet. It’s practically criminal.
1:14 AM
What I imagine the story to be about:
Girl meets boy.
Boy is a vampire.
Boy fights enemies.
Boy wins with the help of girl.
Boy doesn’t make a vampire out of girl.
Movie over.
What the movie SHOULD be about:
Girl meets boy.
Boy is vampire.
Girl annoys the fuck out of boy.
Boy follows girl home and sucks her blood until she’s dead.
Boy kills himself because he doesn’t want to be in teeny movies any more.
Movie over.
Even better:
Girl meets boy.
Boy is vampire.
Girl annoys boy.
Boy follows girl home, craps on her face while she’s sleeping, then packs up and moves to another town.
Girl wakes up and understands that boys will only frustrate her and that she’s too young and intelligent to pay so fucking much attention to boys.
Girl goes on to focus on her education, gets her degree, goes on to have a promising career in theoretical quantum physics or paleontology. Or both.
Girl waits till she’s 30-40 and then settles down with a nice guy who cares about her and they have a nice life together and forget all about vampires.
No more teen movies about forbidden love with pale apathetic troubled vampires are ever made.
The end.
1:11 AM
Okay, I’m going out on a limb here at the risk of losing a large portion of my devout readers who are undoubtedly perverted and overly sensitive:
“I don’t get foot fetishes.”
What’s with people’s feet that makes them something to spank the monkey over? Like there are some toes, hmm, toenails, an arch, a couple of hairs…and, umm, nothing else really.
It’s not like a foot houses any reproductive organs even - the last time I checked my foot, there wasn’t a vagina or even a penis attached. I just checked again, nope, nothing there that could potentially wet itself with excitement or be worked in a dark smokey club to pay for a college education.
In fact, one could argue that a foot is perhaps the least attractive part of the human anatomy. When you walk around barefoot like I do, the foot is bound to pick up some sort of STD or lymphoma or scabies or leprosy or something. It’s routinely shoved in a shoe, which is rarely washed or wiped out and usually stanks like you’d imagine Rosie O’Donnell does after rolling around naked in liver. And often times people have little wedge shaped smallest toes that are quite unappealing when compared to other toes.
I suppose that’s it - the grossness of the foot is it’s desirable feature? I just don’t understand, and that’s okay with me. To each their own (and someone else’s in the above story, I suppose).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to writing a letter to the Armpit Licking Association of North America. I’m doing an feature article on how different types of deodorant taste. Did you know that Ladies’ Speed Stick tastes like mango? Damn that gets me hot. Bowchickawowow.
12:49 AM
So any way..... I HATE Christmas...... and I hate kids, So I decided to have a little fun......
**************************************************
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays. I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a botle of Scotch.
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa
**************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
**************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
12:42 AM
I would like a hybrid car. Not just ANY hybrid car like a Prius or something though. I want a car that’s a hybrid between a pig, a tank, and Will Farrell.
I could just peel bacon off the insides and nibble on it while I drive, making those icy cold morning commutes a whole lot nicer. If anyone got in my way, I could drive right over them or blow them right off the road, and with all it’s curly hair like Will Farrell, it’d undoubtedly be warm and cozy. Oh, it’d have to be easy on gasoline too.
No one said we had to sacrifice function to be environmentally friendly.
12:06 AM
A news blog i read posted an article today regarding a specific type of brain cell found in humpback whales.
All I could think while I was reading it was, "Heh heh...humpback. HUMPback. Heh heh."
Sigh. Sorry Mom. Again.
*Yes, I know whales aren't fish. It's all part of the "Jeremy's an idiot" joke, dig? Thanks for playin'.
11:58 PM
Maybe it's the general air of crappy sadness in Edmonton this week. Maybe it's the profoundly deep personal rut I find myself in for the bazillionth time. Could be the fact that a goofy-looking little douchebag is hitting on me...... Perhaps the antics of our retarded, monkey-faced, cokehead un-prime minister are weighing on my fragile little mind.
It's probably a combination of these factors that has led to my overwhelming sense that we are all just utterly and irrevocably fucked. I see doom hanging over us all, kids. The signs are everywhere, if you look around. Lucky for you I'm paying attention, so you don't have to.
On friday, for example, I saw a very cute gay boy in the mall wearing brown shoes with black pants. A gay boy. Out in public
Yeah, we're in deep doody.
More to come...
Note:
For those of you...mostly straight guys, probably...who just said to yourselves, "Wait...What's wrong with black pants and brown shoes?" Answer: Everything. Trust me.
11:51 PM
A hypothetical scenario, requiring your input:
Older, respectable higher-up type gets in the elevator with you and three or four others on a Friday morning. He stands in front of you, and turns to his left to speak to a colleague. When he turns back to face the front of the elevator, you notice that the prominent bald spot on the back of his head has been painted over with some sort of bubbly beige-colored goo which closely resembles something your cat barfed up over the weekend.
The proper response is:
"Good morning, sir! My, that's some Great Looking Hair!"
Silence + the best fake smile you can muster while chomping on your tongue
Silent prayer thanking god for the spare undies in your desk drawer, as present pair has been mildly soiled
Make eye contact with fellow elevator occupant, draw his/her attention to the head in question, and struggle together to suppress horrified giggles
Avoid eye contact with all fellow elevator occupants completely, with knowledge that shared horrified giggles will be far, far more difficult to suppress
Do the old guy a favor by farting loudly and excusing yourself, red-faced, thereby trumping his humiliation
Other (please be specific)
Your thoughtful participation is greatly appreciated.
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