Young thoughts......

When I was a young and still devastatingly handsome child, my cousins would on occasion come visit my family out in the treacherous prairie jungle, teeming with fanged cattle and rabid gophers)

Anyways, getting back to the story, the would come over and visit, as kids we would go out to play - my cousins were two slightly simple boys of immediate redneck descent. They were tactless. See, we’d go out into their garden and break out the toy cars and make roads to drive them on. But the thing was, these boys - let’s call them collectively the ‘Naab’ boys because that’s all I can think of at the moment - would bring the proverbial knife to a gun fight. They’d haul out the big Tonka dump trucks AND the little wee Matchbox cars and drive them around and bang them into each other or whatever kids do with toy cars.

This never sat well with me. See, if you’re building a society out of dirt and mud, the citizens of Imaginationland wouldn’t be all BIG like the people that would drive the Tonka trucks and SMALL like people that would drive the Matchbox cars, they would probably be somewhat uniform in scale. The proportions were all wrong. For this reason I would argue that we either set aside all the Matchbox (tiny) cars and play exclusively with the Tonka (big) toys, or vice versa. Can’t have both of these things on the same roads, it just doesn’t make sense.

The Naabs, bless their simple tobacco-spitting genes, didn’t care. They didn’t see it as anything to bother about. They’d be all dumb and happy to drive the little tiny cars into the back of a huge bloody dump truck. The fact that these two entities should never exist together in the same play session didn’t bother them one bit. I remember being upset by this - it was all out of whack and entirely dysfunctional. Then I’d ride my bike all the way home and build my own proportional and accurate universe in my own sandbox, to hell with their nonsensical world.

Fast forward to today - I see examples of this lack of regard everywhere - it seems to be a growing trend to mix all sorts of strange and bizarre universes together. That’s shouldn’t be.

For example, never should the Predator and Alien exist in the same movie. I call bullshit. Alien was from the future, Predator was from the present. How on earth anyone can shovel these two creatures into the same film is just beyond my comprehension. Even if the two beings happened to live in the same time span, you’d think they’d be all “Hey let’s have a coffee and discuss how we’re going to divvy up society” [quite literally], then kinda stay out of each other’s hair while they did their thing.

Or Freddy vs. Jason. WTF? Freddy Kreuger was an urban monster that lived in the minds of people for the most part, while Jason Voorhees was a more rural summer holiday type opportunist that would lurk in the bushes of teenage band camps and pick off screaming pubescent idiots one by one. Why Jason would bother with Freddy is beyond me. They shouldn’t be in the same film.

See, what set this whole rant off was a recent video game ad I saw on TV - pitting the ancient Japanese warriors from Mortal Combat versus the DC comics characters like Batman and Superman or whoever the hell the DC comics world perennially claims to.

Excuse me? Who the hell in their right mind puts these two groups of characters together? They’re from different universes, they shouldn’t be in the same video game AT ALL. Jesus Christ, get a grip on reality, people. You wouldn’t put a hot dog in a hamburger bun would you? It just doesn’t make sense.

People like this have no problem mixing Lego with Duplo or frikking Lincoln Logs I bet. It’s practically criminal.