Rock climbing - not just for same-sex lovers

If you’ve ever listened to rock climbers on TV with your eyes closed, it might remind you a bit something you’d expect to overhear in of one of those clubs with a name like “Boomtown” or “The Bus Station” that has loads of shirtless men everywhere that wear latex pants and dance to Mariah Carey songs.

“I’m just going to wedge my hand in this crack here.”

“I should be able to get my leg around, then work myself in tighter.”

“When you first look up, sometimes you get nervous and intimidated, but you’ve just gotta go for it.”

“You need to press yourself tight or else you could slip and end up hurting yourself.”

“If I can figure out the right knot then I should be able to tie myself up safely.”

“There is no right or wrong way to do it, the only way you know you’ve done well is when you end up on top.”

“When things get wet and slippery, you’ve really just gotta hang on tight, be careful, and go for it.”

“I’m just going to stop at this warm spot and take a nice little break.”

“Don’t look down, whatever you do. You’ll drive yourself insane.”

“I’m going to stick my cock into this hole here and just pump away on this fine man-bum.”

Don’t forget to wear your warm clothes tonight…

…or, if you’re in a cult, don’t forget your motherfuckin’ sacrificial conformity poncho and special bonus free reading light!

http://www.snuggie.ca/

Recipe for Disaster:

• 2 cups flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 1 tbsp vanilla
• 1 cup chocolate chips
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp baking powder
• 4 cups curry powder
• 1 large trout head

Preheat oven to 400F. Combine all ingredients except trout head in a large bowl.

Scoop dime sized chunks of batter on to flat baking pan. Put in oven.

While baking, dance the trout head around the kitchen, across the floor, out the front door.

Take off clothes. Scream “GIVE ME BACK MY BABY!” while running from door to door hammering on neighbor’s windows with trout head. Throw head at anyone trying to apprehend you.

Return 5 hours later. Put empty plastic soda bottles in stove on top of now-charcoal pieces of burned cookies.

Make random phone calls to government offices. Cry on phone until police or fire deparment arrives from smoke.

While in custody try to bite anyone touching you. Plead insanity at court case. Spend rest of life in asylum.

Weekend lesson 1

The Fool + Gin = Fun for everyone

I guess I must have been blacked out when I poured most of that bag of tortilla chips down Coco's pants at the hotel room.

Damn. I miss all the good stuff.

I got ya numbers right here...

So I finally watched "The Number 23" and all I have to say is....

I got ya numbers right here...

Of all the different, quasi-mystical, pseudo-scientific fields of “learning” out there, I find numerology to be the most annoying. Perhaps it’s because it involves math, which was the bane of my existence all through school.

However, lately I’ve been wondering if I’ve been too hasty in my judgement. After all Jim Carrey has taken the trouble to make a movie about it. Remember, this is the same actor who probed the deepest theological and metaphysical questions of our time in his film “Bruce Almighty”.

So, with your indulgence, I thought I’d dabble in a little numerological study of my own. Let’s start with the year that we are now in, 2009. If you add the first and last digits you get 11. Now, 11 is the number of calories that the average fashion model consumes in a month. There are 4 weeks in a month and 52 weeks in a year. 52 plus 4 equals 56, which also happens to be the combined IQ scores of the TV executives who thought that the “Tony Danza” show was a good idea. But wait, there’s more…

Tony Danza was a cast member on a show called “Taxi” that went on the air in 1978. If you multiply 19 by 78 you get 1,482 which is the number of times that I’ve overheard someone singing the song “Just Dance” in the last 36 hours. If you divide 36 by 2 you get 18, which is exactly how old that young man claimed to be on the night the police keep interrogating me about.

Fascinating, isn’t it? Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get this information to my lawyer and find out if it’s admissible in court. If not, I have a feeling that the numbers 10 to 20 could be looming large in my future. Bruce Almighty don’t fail me now!

Wink Wink
*The Fool assumes no responsibility for any errors in the complex mathematical computations contained in this post.

The Fool: Future CEO

There's a woman in my office we'll call Miss Thang. She's quite funny, a bit older than me, and has a reputation for tellin' it like it is. Occasionally, Miss Thang sends out little "brain teaser" emails to a few of us, to help pass the time we're already wasting miserably in our pathetic corporate jobs.

The last one, sent a few weeks ago, was "what's the longest word that can be typed using only one line on a keyboard?" My answer was, of course, "aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Her reply was concise and direct: "You, mister, are a complete retard."

Today, Miss Thang sent another one. I pondered it for awhile, and proceeded to send a thoughtful, potentially correct response, along with a critical query:

"Miss Thang...am I still a complete retard?"

It took her longer than I expected to respond. Clearly she was giving this question some serious thought. this morning, I received her reply:

"Well, honey...the jury's still out on whether you're a complete retard. But you're a pretty retard, nonetheless."

My response, in contrast to Miss Thang's, was almost immediate:

"I like ponies!"

Helping others to help themselves...

While wandering around aimlessly through cyberspace I came across a site called wikiHow, which describes itself as “The How-To Manual That Anyone Can Write or Edit”.

Among other things, at this site you can learn how to camp out in the rain, live with an elderly person or celebrate Earthday. Now, I’ve no idea why anyone would want to do any of those things, but disseminating information of dubious value is right up my alley, so here’s a list of articles that I’m thinking about writing that will tell you how to:


Housebreak a badger

Polish your uvula

Perform an emergency appendectomy using only a steak knife and a pair of salad tongs

Have your in-laws declared “enemy combatants” and shipped off to Guantanamo Bay

Turn your child’s old chemistry set into a whiskey still

Harvest earwax for fun and profit

Covert that useless old collection of vinyl records into a lovely coffee table

Iron your clothes while still wearing them

Cure a bad case of crabs with Tabasco sauce and sawdust

Cook a Thanksgiving Day turkey with a car battery


Well, I guess I better get started on these articles…anyone know where I can find a badger?

The Fool Explores the Unknown

THE MYTH

Combustible Flatulence

THE REALITY

In testing this I was amazed (and utterly shocked!!) to find farts do burn. As do bed sheets, dressers and other various bedroom furnishings. In fact the only thing that saved the house was that I was drinking beer and REALLY had to go!

This is an interesting method of removing unwanted body hair, and a large portion of wanted body hair. During this episode I invented a couple of new dances and several new swear words, including "badfitch", which apparently means "Holy crap, my bum is on fire!"

I realize having a blow torch with a bright blue flame, coming out of your behind sounds cool and exotic, but oddly it was a tad uncomfortable. The doctor says I should be able to sit down in 4-6 weeks and there shouldn't be any long term effects on other sensitive organs in that area. (They weren't being overly used anyway.)

In the future if in some drunken stupor this seems to sound like something you want to try, remember, "Preparation H" will be your new best friend.