I know. Millions of profiles to plough through, and so little time to find the gentleman of your dreams. But what does it all mean? When he says he likes dogs, does he mean he is blind? When he says weighs 'a few extra pounds', does he mean he weighs twenty stone and doesn't get out much?
Help is at hand. This handy guide will help you negotiate the hundreds of profiles that turn up when you press 'search'. First tip: when's the last time you believed someone who kept telling you they were honest? Exactly. With the online, you can't see the whites of their eyes. Still. Chin up!
"I like independent men."
"I refuse to commit, and I will be particularly reluctant to commit if you earn more than me and are funnier/more intelligent than me."
"I love snowboarding, skydiving, scuba diving, bungee jumping and jumping off high things"
"I am an accountant. My name is Trevor. I live in Drayton Valley."
"I enjoy going out and staying in."
"I will never have anything of any import to say about anything, ever."
"I am looking for a committed relationship."
"I am a commitmentphobe looking for a series of one-night stands with emotionally unstable men"
"I am just a normal guy looking for a normal man. Looks not important."
"I am clinically insane, and rarely wash."
"Hi i am New to edmonton, looking friends and Good Times!!!"
"I am from Russia, and looking for residency."
"My weight could be most accurately described as: a few extra pounds"
"I weigh at least 250lbs and have to do internet dating because I can't walk anymore. I have strange things caught in folds."
"Blonde"
Really?
"I am a 42 year old man"
"I am 50, and my wife has just left me for her 37 year old secretary, Gary. I think they've been at it for years but I can't be sure. But I've pulled myself together, and I'm trying something new no-one's going to stop me being happy."
"I am average looking."
"I fell hard from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down."
"I am attractive"
"I am plain. You wouldn't remember my face if you were introduced to me twice, but I'm not actually ugly."
"I am very attractive"
"I look after myself and in a certain light, am not unattractive."
"I am very good looking."
"'I am a delusional, narcissistic fool."
"I live life to the full."
"I do not know what I am saying."
"I am looking for someone to make me better."
"I am me, and I will not change, so don't even try it; just accept me for who I am."
"I often enjoy a round of golf"
"I am a twat."
"I've been concentrating on my career and have just noticed that all my friends are dateing."
Two options here:
1. "Fuck me, better pay attention and get on with it"; or
2. "I have had to fill my life with work because no-one wants to go out with me."
"I like cuddling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine."
"I am so dull I can't think of anything else to do with the time I have left over from tending my terrapins."
**As it goes everyone really likes doing this, but you shouldn't say it out loud. And for the record, you need at least 2 bottles.
"I can't believe I'm doing this!"
"I am a bit embarrassed that I am this desperate." Come on, love, we all are: it's fine.
"I can't believe I've had to resort to this."
"I am angry that someone has gorgeous as I am is like everyone else, really."
"Looks aren't that important to me."
"I care very much how someone looks, but don't think I'm good looking enough to be able to say that."
"I asked my friends how they'd describe me, and they said kind, funny, and generous to a fault."
"I have 3 friends: 2 men called Andy, and a woman called Helen I went out with once. We were all at university together."
**Like people who are murdered (who are always described in the most glowing terms - do only the good die young, or was Joel pulling our legs?), friends ONLY ever say 'kind, generous, loving, funny'. And perhaps 'crazy'. Or 'kooky' if they're a girl. If I asked my friends what they thought of me they'd laugh until they couldn't speak.
"My friends can't believe I'm single."
"My friends ply me with consolatory words when I am being drunkenly maudlin."
**More like they wish you weren't single, then they wouldn't have to hear you going ON AND ON about it the whole time and looking at them resentfully at couples-only dinner parties.
**As it happens my friends can believe I'm single, but not in a bad way.
"I have just come out of a relationship."
"I need someone to make me feel better, for I am very, very lonely and confused."
**Avoid. At all costs. Whatever you do. Really. They are not over it, whatever they say. If someone mentions an ex, or the fact that they've just come out of a relationship, it means they are still thinking of the other person, and therefore will not have any room in their head for you. I have said this elsewhere, I know.
"I'm a crazy, kooky guy just looking for love, smiles and cuddles!!!!!!!! :-)"
"I am mentally deficient and like glitter."
Maybe THIS will help with my boo-hooing...
Ah, the intervention of fate...or just some silly bullshit that made me giggle for a second.
Whatever. I'll take it.
Dear Mindless Fool,
Here is your horoscope for Saturday April 25:
Okay, so you've never exactly been the soul of willpower. You've always believed that if one is good, two is better and many, many more would be just great. That's going to go double for several weeks, starting now. Better hire a chaperone.
Volunteers?
No, didn't think so. I hope you're smarter than that...
- According to her, it's okay to fart in her office. Anxiety can accelerate your disgestion, resulting in flatus. It's just not okay to light the flatus.
- If communication is important, why can't I text while she's talking?
- I'm traumatized by the sevarity of my childhood trauma. It was so unusual and I can never undo that.
- Is the Paxil working for my bitchyness or should I switch back to vodka? Is it okay I combine both every night?
- Why I've spent more time editing my POF profile than my résumé and how that affects my ability to pay her.
- First, a painstaking, 5 minute explanation of how MSN Instant Messenger works, complete with sounds like the slamming door sign off, necessary because my therapist is a woman who only uses the internet for dumb shit like research. Then, 40 minutes trying to figure out with her what one of my exs meant when he messaged me to say "hi, can i have my stuff back?" See, I think that sounds like a new start.
Well, here I go again, on my way into Wal-Mart. Oh look, a penny. It's turned with the tail facing up. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can't remember. I'm pretty sure it's a bad thing. I better leave it alone.
Besides, what do I need with a penny? What can you even begin to buy with a penny these days? When was the last time the penny was worth a shit? Even the motto from the Great Depression was "Brother, can you spare a dime?" A dime! Even eighty years ago, people weren't lowering themselves to ask for a penny.
Okay, I'm approaching the doors. What the hell is that lady wearing? She looks like an American buffalo stuffed into footie pajamas. Oh wait, that's exactly what it is. Fun. I wonder what a buffalo is doing outside Wal-Mart on a day like this. Did you know that "Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo." is a complete sentence? It is.
Oh crap, someone's out here asking for money for some charity or another. Avert eyes! What's that shiny thing up there? Well, there I went and looked directly at the sun again, explicitly against my eye doctor's instructions.
All right, I've passed through the gateway. I'm no longer on municipal property. I'm in the Mart. I can't see shit. It smells like a curious mixture of popcorn and grape Bubble Tape in here. Not altogether unpleasant. Do I need a cart? Why am I even here? I completely forget. Maybe I should just go back to the train before I wind up buying something I don't need. But no, I've parked too far away. Might as well trek on.
Oh boy, here we go. The Wal-Mart greeter lies ahead. The last three times I came here, he not only didn't greet me, he failed to smile or even acknowledge my existence. He just stood there, his ancient eyes looking off at some faint point in the distance. If he doesn't greet me this time, I'm going to make a scene. That's his only job, to greet me. Am I not good enough to receive a greeting? Do I need to peacock myself in order to deserve his fleeting attention? Is it not enough that I'm wearing this halter top and a multicolored beanie?
Walking, walking, walking ....
...
... and IGNORED AGAIN!
All right, Wal-Mart greeter, you're about to get a piece of my mind. Depending on your reaction to my angry tirade, we'll see if we need to get the manager involved. I don't want to have to do that--you're probably underpaid, even considering your job and your performance at said job--but I will do what I must. There's only so much disrespect one person---
BATTERIES!
That's what I need. I better go get them before I forget again. But I won't forget this, Wal-Mart Greeter.
I won't forget this.