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The last night I had off as I lay in bed sleeping, drooling and likely dreaming of hunting arachnid people with a bow and arrow, I was awakened by the loudest, most horrible sound possible. No dummy, not Rosie O’Donnell inserting a watermelon in her vagina without any lubrication, it was the apartment complex’s fire alarm.

Of course it was a false alarm, it always is (until the day I figure out how to sleep through them, that’ll be the first time that there will actually be a fire). I got out of bed, not knowing where I was or what was going on, nearly walking out the door in my undies.Whoops, that’s for internal use only!

I threw on some respectable sweatpants and ventured out into the hallway to see what was going on, only to be greeted by a gaggle of people who looked just as angry and as tired as I did. The very old man across the hallway looked as if he’d just been interrupted having sex, giving me a WTF-this-shit-again-? look. I didn’t know whether or not to high-five him for what might have been one of his final sexual performances (if that’s indeed what he was up to) and I wasn’t going to give him my cursory crotch-sniff greeting to determine whether or not I should, wayyy too early for that kind of determination.

I wondered, who the hell pulls the fire alarm anyways? Aren’t they also inconvenienced by the 7000 decibel noise? They need to start fingerprinting the alarms that have been pulled or DNA dusting or whatever the hell those CSI type people do. Then when they find the person, they should notify everyone in the building and haul the jackass down to the lobby where we can stone them, sodomize them, photoshop them into compromising situations, or maybe just lob psychologically harmful insults their way. That way there’d be no false alarms, unless of course the person is like me and they’re into being stoned, sodomized, photoshopped, or insulted.

Likely the fire alarm was caused by an elderly person freaking out and imagining the smell of smoke. It’s easiest to blame old people for the world’s problems, they’re the guys that voted for all previous governments and make it so that I can’t egress from a drug store in a timely fashion due to their slowness at the cashiers, so fuck ‘em. I’m pinning this incident on them. After all, they blame me for today’s music and lack of moral fibre, so they can all just go to Suckmyballsistan.