Sigh....

So I’ve been sitting at my chair for, um, who knows. All I know is that I came to work sometime today. The rest since then is a blur, I’ve been working nonstop on a project for two days now, yuck.

To salute other hardworking individuals out there, I’d like to mention a few special people who also worked tirelessly towards their goals:

MacGyver – this sonofabitch never rested, all he ever did was like build coke bottle fusion reactors and fire-alarm-setting-off smoke bombs out of dry ice all day and all night until he scored some big haired 80’s B-actress and wiped the smirk off that bald-headed prick boss of his with his “smell my fingers” gloating shenanigans after a successful mission.

Bob Newhart – when did Bob Newhart ever throw up his hands and give up? Okay, maybe in every single episode of Newhart. So take him off this list, I guess.

Those guys whose plane crashed in the Andes and they ate each other - remember them? Yeah, the story Alive, you had to read it in high school didn’t you? I did, and I actually LIKED the story despite being forced to read it. They never gave up, they climbed the mountain up and down and chewed through dead people’s asses in order to survive. Back in the day, that’s how shit was done – copious ass-chewings. Nowadays kids couldn’t chew through an ass to save their life.

Bon Jovi - here’s a dick that never gave up. Did you know he’s STILL making music? True! Someone hasn’t killed him yet! I think he went country or something though, or maybe he got a sex change and is singing with the Pussycat Dolls these days. Who the hell knows. All I know is that he hasn’t yet produced a grave for me to spit on.

Newt Gingrich – hey, after 170 years in politics with the pussiest name known to humankind, you have to admire this guy’s tenacity. Didn’t he even survive some sort of sex scandal where he was caught sucking someone’s toes? Oh, wait, that was the Marv Albert scandal, which was a pretty tame scandal compared to today’s standards.

Madonna – I swear this twat of a human being will keep dancing till she’s 150. She’ll also keep opening her vaginal flower to accommodate wayward basketball players for just as long, I suspect. God, can you imagine what her snootch looks like after the endless stream of man-meat that has thrust into it after all these years? I’m disgusted and turned on at the same time by the thought of it. Maybe a bit more on the disgusted side, not sure.

Santa – how does he keep doing it? Last year I didn’t get anything from him at ALL, which I kind of expected since I had masturbated into a big mayonnaise jar over the whole year and dumped it in the apartment building’s water supply facility, hoping to impregnate someone who lingered in their bath water a little too long. It was a stupid idea really, how would I know if I were ever successful? And why did I do it to begin with? Who knows, it sounded like a good idea at the time. Whatever, anyways, even though he caught me being a bad boy and stiffed me at Christmas, I still admire him for being able to hang in there for about 16000 years or however long he’s been at it.



Well, I’m going to get some coffee. Think of me when you’re having your next bath!