Ten Suitable Punishments for Your Disobedient Brat

I was reading an interesting story the other day about a mom who had given her son up for adoption at the age of 7 because the kid would not listen to her or do anything she told him to do. Wash the dishes, no. Clean up your room, nuh uh. Go to bed at a decent hour, not gonna happen. What happened next was especially sad, as the boy was adopted by an unsavory religious cult somewhere north and was soon eaten by an bear as part of a bizarre ceremony. Even sadder, the bear turned out to be allergic to brat, and died subsequently. Adding to the misfortune, the bear's rotting corpse polluted a small section of the forest, causing myriad wildlife to die or relocate.

Okay, I'm not sure if I really read that story somewhere or I dreamed it, but the point remains the same. Many parents are unable to get their kids to listen, and the results can be horrifying. I thought it would be nice to once again give freely of my wise advice. Here, for struggling parents everywhere, are my top ten punishments to dole out to misbehaving children, so that they may avoid causing a minor ecological disaster in the future.

#10: Refuse to allow the child to wear his or her seatbelt for a three week period.

#9: Take away Playstation 3. Replace with Atari 2600.



#8: For teenagers: Drop child off in front of school each day for a week. Make big production out of kissing and hugging them before letting them go inside.

#7: For small child: Read them the classic children's book, The Invisible Bees Who Are Everywhere. Do not alert them to its fictional nature.

#6: Gently remind them that they are the reason Dad left.



#5: Threaten to pull car over.

#4: Friend them on Facebook. Immediately post brutally honest 25 Things About Me meme.

#3: Continue regimen of haphazard, rage-driven corporal punishment.

#2: Write a starkly inappropriate love note to his teacher, signed with his name. Instruct child to give to teacher.

#1: Pay neighborhood bully $5 to teach em a lesson.