I have a chromosome for belching when I stand up

(day 2 with no sleep)
Yes, it’s true – I burp about 25% of the time whenever I get up. (Look! Math! Percentages!) Fortunately, I don’t pee myself when I laugh or poop myself when I see bright lights, otherwise I’d be coated in my own waste for most of the day.

(As an aside, I was sure I was going to get through a blog post without mentioning excrement, but it turns out I was wrong.)

That brought me to thinking about the people that orgasm uncontrollably and I began wondering, “Self, what sort of things would you really really hate to have as an automatic reaction?”

* Crying every time I hear about Michael Jackson.
* Crying every time someone tells me a sad story.
* Crying every time I’m upset.
* Crying when I’m really happy.
* Flying off the handle every time someone leaves a dirty plate laying around.
* Bleeding without being cut.

Turns out I don’t want to be a woman.

But the upside to being female is that you can get away with murder, which would be really fortunate since OMGHAIGTGROTBITC? (Oh my God, how am I going to get rid of the bodies in the closet? Cops only frown on that corpse disposal if you’re male – if you’re female, it’s cute.) Oh, and have sex whenever you want. And have vaginal monologues, whatever those are.

Speaking of vagina monologues, if I were a woman I would do crazy things, like train my vagina to bark or speak or make funny noises. You ladies are probably thinking that I’m mental, but seriously, have you ever TRIED getting your your vaginas to make noise? I thought so. I think all it’d take is a bunch of Kegel-type exercises and maybe a tubelike prop, for amplification purposes.

I can just imagine rolling into work: “Hey gang, how do you make a cat sound like a dog?” ***WRRROFFFHPPH*** [That'd be the sound of my punani making a loud barking noise.] Everyone would laugh and I’d be a frikking CELEBRITY and then by word of mouth I’d get hired for private functions and eventually get rich and then have lots of free time to do my nails or whatever women like doing with lots of free time. Having babies? (Have I offended women enough yet today? No?) Buying shoes, then?

Alright, well that was a big rambling incoherent mess of a blog post. I bet none of that made any sense. Jesus Christ – day two without sleep and I’ve become a misogynist Japanese video game script writer all of a sudden.