Rich, Chocolate...Circletine?

Im sure you've all seen the make-ya-wanna-barf commercials for a certain nutritious chocolatesque drink wherein all the childrens are extremely happy to be given the chance to drink it, and their moms discuss how healthy it is. Right? They conclude with the kids whining in unison "More chocolatesque product, please!"

Oh, man I hate childrens. Especially ones that get excited over nutrition. I'd think about buying their drink if the commercials were more like my rendition:


Kid 1: Wow! Playing in the sewers all day sure makes me thirsty!
Kid 2: Yeah! I have diseases now!
Kid 1: How ‘bout we go back to my house?
Kid 3: Your house blows, Rodney.
Kid 2: He’s right! Your dog gave me cancer!
Kid 1: We can all have some rich chocolate Circletine!
Kids 2 and 3: Yay! Let’s go!

Sounds of scampering, shouting, clanging and shattering glass.


Cut to a spacious suburban kitchen. Two women are wandering around in it, putting away groceries and throwing carrots at eachother.

Mom 1: Ow! My eye!
Mom 2: Ha ha!
Mom 1: The kids will be home from the sewers soon. How about we turn off all the lights and pretend we’re not home?
Mom 2: That’s a good idea! I’ll go set fire to the lawn!

The two women hi-five and run to put their plans into action.


The childrens burst into the kitchen through the side door and track in mud, grass clippings, leaves and dog doo.

Kid 1: Mom?
Kid 3: Mom?
Kid 2: I’m itchy, and it’s dark in here.
Kid 1: Mooooommm! Can we have some Circletine?
Kid 3: It’s rich and full of chocolate, vitamins and lemur fur, Mrs. Rodney’s mom!
Kid 1: Forget her. She’s probably doing drugs with your mom, Kid 3!

They all laugh

Kid 2: Here’s the can. Yay! I’ll get some skim milk!

The other two beat the crap out of him

Kid 1: Skim!? That’s nasty!
Kid 3: Yeah. Here’s some butter instead.

The lights come on and the two women enter the room.

Mom 1: You little—!
Mom 2: Be careful with the microwave, childrens!
Mom 1: Roll your musty little friend out onto the porch, will you?
Kid 1: Can we have some rich chocolate Circletine when we’re done?
Mom 1: Hell no!
Mom 2: Of course!
Kids 1 and 3: Yay! Circletine!


Of course, it's not likely that any company interested in making money will air a commercial like that, but I've got my fingers crossed and my wallet ready.