I was reading the news tonight about some airplane in Minnesota (or some state where people molest hay bales), where passengers were stuck on this plane on the tarmac for something like 8 hours and blah blah eating only pretzels, and mwah mwah.
To be honest, I wasn’t really reading the article, I was skimming it looking for some sort of reference to midget stewardesses, as my hobbies dictate I do. (You should see the guys at the Midget-Hunting Club local branch #47 when I tell them of my new finds. Totally worth all the work, being all respected by my peers n’ stuff.)
What caught my eyes were that this ‘Mesaba’ airline company (some sort of Jar-Jar Binks reference, I suppose?) or whatever the hell it’s called is a wholly owned subsidiary of Northwest Airlines, which in turn is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Delta Airlines.
I got thinking for a second, cause that’s usually all I’m capable of. “Self? What the hell would happen if Mesaba went and bought Delta Airlines?”
I just blew your fucking minds, didn’t I. No, I thought not because you’re only half fucking paying attention yourselves.
Mesaba would own Delta which would own Northwest which would own Mesaba which would own Delta which would own Northwest which would own Mesaba.
People would say, “Wait, who owns Delta?” And I’d have to answer the above line infinitely until the universe collapsed into some sort of singularity and we’d all die except for Stephen Hawking, who figured out some sort of freaky physics-avoiding umbilical cord and just floats outside the universal singularity in his tricked-out $475.00 (or more) wheelchair taunting the collapsed universe with his robotic voice:
“Hah Hah You People Should Have Spent More Time In Science Class And Less Time in Phys-Ed With Your Muscles And All That Worthless Shit”. [Imagine that being said in his Windows 95 voice.]
So, we can take from this whole rant that 1) I’m a fucking gimp-brain and 2) see 1)
Lately I’ve been addicted to Gordon Ramsay TV shows. I guess it boils (har har, get the pun?) down to me liking swearing a whole lot, or maybe I enjoy scabby faces? I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter.
Gordon Ramsay shows include:
Hell’s Kitchen: Gordon Ramsay stars as a hypertension-riddled version of himself who screams at wannabe chefs for an hour.
If you’ve ever wondered how mad someone can be at overcooked scallops, this is the show for you to watch. Have you ever fucked up when cooking spaghetti? Holy fuck, it’s time for you to die, according to Chef Ramsay.
This is not a show you watch if you’d like to learn how to cook. This is a show you watch if you want to learn how to insult fat people, women, men, French people, cows, and Texans. But if you get off on people being ridiculed like I do except when the object of ridicule is me, then this is the show for you.
Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares: Gordon Ramsay travels from British town to British town, insulting restaurateurs who suck at pretty much everything. It’s more or less the traveling circus, except without clowns, elephants, tents, and everything that makes a circus a circus unless the circus only featured Gordon Ramsay saying “Holy fucking hell” for 30 out of a possible 40 minutes of air time.
The premise is this: Gordon Ramsay swoops into a restaurant, swears a whole lot, leaves for a month, then comes back and sees how much his swearing has improved the restaurant’s business. (It usually proves somewhat successful.)
Gordon Ramsay Kicks An Effigy of Mother Theresa In The Snatch Repeatedly: This show, which is perhaps less famous than the previous two shows, features Gordon Ramsay kicking a stuffed doll of Mother Theresa in the vaginal region for a half hour. No dialogue, no plot, just the occasional grunt and foul word, and a whole lotta foot-flailing. Due to limited syndication, this show is perhaps only aired in my brain.
“Why Mother Theresa?” you might ask. The answer from Gordon Ramsay is, “Fuck you, pig.”
Unlike other children in my Ultimate Fighting weight division, I never grew up on the teat of the Cheez Whiz.
Other kids would frequently bring their yellow-smeared vegetable sticks, sandwiches, and crackers for lunch and give me desperate looks when it came to trading time. “Sorry old chaps, this kid would be happier with his own lunch, thankyouverymuch!” (Yeah, I said it just like that because I wanted to be an elderly British man, okay? It was a phase I was going through. Wasn’t long after that I wanted to become an old Chinese lady too, that’s how I developed my “wise but disapproving ” face that I use whenever someone someone wants to do something stupid like go golfing in the middle of the night or put sticky-notes featuring a sketch of a penis on the back of our boss or something.)
Even at a young age, I was able to discern between what I should be sticking down my throat and what was clearly inedible and should be given some sort of government classification like, “Warning: Nutritional value for this product on par with eating radioactive slug excrement”.
Don’t get me wrong, the lady that birthed me would occasionally purchase a bottle of the vile orange vomit to eat herself, but even then it generally eventually wound its way to the back of the fridge -unopened, expire, grow mold, and try to crawl out of the fridge on its own and kill us while we slept and dreamed of hunting tarantula men with a bow. So it’s not like in my life I’ve never tried Cheez Whiz as if I were some sort of elite and repulsive Food Network critic, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck IS that shit?
Seriously, what is it? I just looked at the Wikipedia entry for Cheez Whiz and was only left more repulsed. Its least-horrific ingredient appears to be ‘processed cheese’, which I’m not sure if you knew or not, was created by the Germans in 1941 to poison the French into submission, which was a sure-bet given the French’s propensity to consume stupid shit like snails and frog legs. Okay, I lied about this part.
A ‘processed spread’ containing ‘processed cheese’ is like some sort of double evil entity worthy of being exploded on a remote island in the pacific to see what sort of toxic effects it has on an ecosystem. I mean hell, to start with, processed cheese itself is an abomination of epic proportion – let us not forget its origins of being the random shit they sweep up at a cheese factory when it’s not visibly contaminated with rat shit (look it up). Then they mix it with more Xanthan gum, candle wax, pig vomit, and orange food coloring, repackage it into bottles that look like they should be holding embryos at a research facility, then it ends up in your fridge. No wonder they can’t even spell it ‘Cheese Whiz’, they’ve probably been forced at some point by government to change the name in order to not mislead people into thinking they’re getting some sort of nutritional value.
Probably the most disgusting thing since Elvis Presley or edible underwear.
—
Speaking of processed cheese, America, you and I really need to sit down and have a talk about this association you have with ‘American cheese’. See, most nations are associated with shit they’re proud of, like “French Wine”, we have “Canadian Bacon”, “Polish Sausage”, “Mexican Tequila”, or “Australian Koala Toes”. (I made the last one up, but I’d expect them to be tasty with the right sauce.)
YOU though, awesome America, have unfortunately been associated with the dredges of milk byproducts, ‘American cheese’. ‘American cheese’ was a product of the US government’s Commodity Credit Corporation in 1982, as a way of simultaneously dealing with milk overstock and pacifying welfare folks with something they could use to slap on their burgers and not feel so welfare-y.
Now it’s been twisted into some sort of desirable topping on hamburgers or tacos, hell, even foo-foo kitchens keep blocks of this shit on their shelf somewhere since it never goes bad and advertise it on their fancy-pants menus – “Oh look, how quaint, Reginald, American Cheese on our foie gras! Let us!”
There are far more awesome things that could be associated with the word ‘America’, like chicken-fried steaks. Or cornbread. Or cheesecake. Or hell, liver is even better. Please make it so that when I travel to some sort of exotic international destination like Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and choose to have a Whopper, it comes with something that remotely resembles cheese instead of the tasteless processed crap that has become known as “American cheese”. It’s not worthy of the title, considering your awesome-but-not-quite-as-awesome-as-Norway (according to recent polls conducted in my memory) nation.
Thanks America, I’m glad we could have this little chat. Can we speak later about your aversion to free healthcare? It’s the other retarded thing with your sexy country that we need to talk about, then you can brag all you want again. Shhh though, I’m liable to be shot by some sort of medicare operative for telling you things you’re not supposed to know. Shhh.
Due to the large amount of overtime im working, the 2 head bosses at my work decided to take me to a smart new edmonton restaurant for dinner. I eagerly scanned the menu, only to recoil in horror and confusion. The menu was all in foreign! There were some words I understood, like fried and with, but the dish descriptions were alien to me. The waiter sneered as I pretended to study the menu. He knew I had no clue, the bastard. Panicking, I picked the cheapest dish and hoped it didn’t have tentacles.
If you are intending to visit a fancy restaurant this weekend, here’s a few translations you need to know. Unless you like dining dangerously.
Starters are not called Starters any more. It’s First Dish, Amuse-Bouche or whatever the pretentious phrase is this week.
Soup is no longer soup, it’s bisque. It isn’t cream of mushroom, it’s organic shiitake bisque with crème fraiche emulsion . If you are unfamiliar with those ingredients, who knows what could arrive on your plate? A shit biscuit covered in cream paint?
How about panko encrusted scallops with tamarind drizzle ? Anything with a panko encrustation should be examined by a doctor. I don’t know what a tamarind is, or that it causes drizzle (or indeed any sort of damp weather).
The next danger dish is carpaccio. The description sounds innocent enough - warmed winter salad with organic carpaccio . Carpaccio must be like some kind of goats’ cheese, right? No.
Carpaccio is RAW MEAT. Just-dead. No flame has touched its bloody mass.
You end up with raw beef and cooked salad. The chef must have some serious issues.
Perhaps stick with the bread rolls for now.
Now for the main course, sorry, Dish Principal, Fourth Course or whatever the hell we’re up to by now. Attempting to impress your fellow diners, you order boneless grain-fed Cornish Rock with a compliment of seared potato shards and a blemish of spiced Peruvian tomato reduction . Your friends are not impressed when waiter serves you chicken and chips with a dollop of ketchup.
Pan-seared halibut with... green things! Eww.Those dastardly chefs can’t even leave simple Italian food alone. For years I avoided pizza topped with pomodoro, assuming it was some kind of chewy squid. Pomodoro means tomato. Why don’t they just say tomato?
Sometimes you recognize all the ingredients - except one. Roast (ok) pork (ok) with apple sauce (ok) and seared Ulluco. Uh-oh. Ulluco sounds like it may still have eyes attached. Pan-seared halibut sounds familiar, but unfortunately that psychotic chef has coated it in rocambole jus . Some poor rocambole (which I imagine is some sort of shrew) has been squeezed all over a nice bit of fish. Time for another bread roll.
Thank goodness for dessert! You won’t find any raw cow or crusty crustations in that. Probably.
Although you are reasonably safe ordering anything from the dessert menu, don’t expect your expectations to match what is plonked in front of you.
Four things are guaranteed:
Chocolate cake! With shrew!- Your dessert will be six times smaller than expected.
- There will be a single strawberry and two blueberries somewhere on the plate.
- The plate will be coated with a squiggle of unidentifiable brown sauce (probably chocolate and rocambole jus).
- Your dessert will cost six times more than expected.
If you are invited to a fancy restaurant this weekend, be prepared. Be prepared to face three courses of embarrassment, indigestible food and disappointment. Or tell your host you refuse to eat there as you contracted food poisoning after your last visit. Their carpaccio was suspiciously warm.
Fuck. I’m so bored of that swear word. I use the same old insults every minute of every day. Fuck off, screw you, suck a swan, blah, blah, etc. These insults are getting old and tired!
Luckily for everyone, I’ve come up with a variety of new swears, insults and handy phrases you can use for your everyday rants and road rage showdowns.
1. Suck My Invisible Cock - This is a useful insult for ladies. Or men without cocks.
2. Dick Trap - a nice change from the usual slut or whore.
3. Twat Ratchet - Every mechanics’ garage should have one, and frequently does.
4. Go Fuck Toffee - Have you tried fucking toffee? It’s very difficult.
5. Frig Magnet - Not to be confused with the handy kitchen accessory.
6. Wankatron - A great nerd insult. You’ve spilled Cheez Whiz all over the file server, you wankatron.
7. Jizz Jockey - A bit like a Disc Jockey, only stickier.
8. Butt Frog - Not something you’d want to see in your local pond.
9. Mitch - A male bitch. Apologies to readers called Mitch, but hey, wouldn’t it be cool to have a swearword as a name?
10. Cock Doctor - OK, some people really are cock doctors.
11. Twot - Only very posh people should use this, like the Queen or Oprah Winfrey
12. Chimney Whore - I don’t really know what one of these is.
13. Fog Fucker - Have you tried fucking fog? It’s almost impossible.
14. Twatwagon - A great insult for the motorist. Why don’t you go join your rolling twatwagon of fog fuckers… Officer.
15. Nadbadger - A comparison to a testicle-loving woodland animal? Ouch!
16. Kiss My Colon - I’m sure I wouldn’t want to do that.
17. Penguin Filler - Go fill a penguin, you wankatron. Another good insult for nerdy Linux fans.
18. Fuckerydoo - A game played by nadbadgers with the intention of pissing you off. My neighbor played fuckerydoo with the cops and busted my illegal puppy farm.
19. Sharkey - You’ll never hear this very rude word on TV, that’s for sure! For added impact, combine with Fergal - Nearly as bad as sharkey, but referring to a less moist orifice.
20. Jam Banger - Have you tried… oh, never mind.
So, next time some dicktrap driving her twatwagon full of screaming frig magnets rear-ends you, you can let the jam-banging cock doctor know exactly how you feel. Then you can tell that fergal sharkey of a twat ratchet at the repair garage to quit playing fuckerydoo and fix your car, otherwise he can suck your invisible cock. Fog fucker.
No, don’t thank me or send money for adding new swears to your lexicon. It’s just a service I provide.
I’m not thinking of dropping dead any time soon. There are things I need to do first. So, like those old guys in the coincidently titled “The Bucket List”, I’ve made a list of all the things I want to do before I kick the bucket.
Have you ever done any of these things? If they were a bit boring let me know and I’ll cross them off.
1. See inside my brain.
2. Vomit sake into a Tokyo gutter.
3. Fire a gun without killing someone (for once).
4. Win the Turner Prize for Art with my work Frozen Prawn in a Bucket.
5. Win a Dog Show with a cunningly disguised hamster.
6. Drive a tractor into the Sphinx.
7. Eat a jam and spam flan on a trip to Milan.
8. Send back a meal cooked by Gordon Ramsey.
9. Tour Namibia on a space hopper.
10. Endure a bitter and acrimonious divorce from George Clooney.
11. Roll a joint in less than three hours.
12. Ride a Segway around the CERN particle accelerator while it’s on.
13. Crawl through air ducts while being chased by robots.
14. Win an Oscar for my screen adaptation of the Yellow Pages.
15. Accidentally delete YouTube.
16. Run over a pop tart with a traction engine.
17. Give a three-hour lecture to an audience of people I hate, entitled “My Favourite Spoon”.
18. Think up a funny Lolcat caption.
19. Liberate Greenland.
20. Enter rehab for an addiction to tree sap.
21. Star in a medieval-themed adult movie called Robbin Hood of Sherfuck Forest.
22. Use the ‘c’ word in a company presentation.
23. Invent a new kind of cheese.
24. Take pot shots at kite boarders with a potato gun.
25. Ban the word “soccer”. It’s football.
26. Tickle a panda.
27. Steal a cloud.
28. Open a peanut-themed restaurant and call it The Nut Sack.
29. Un-see Two Girls, One Cup.
There’s no knowing when that ragged mob will catch up with me and burn me at the stake, so I’m pumping up my space hopper and heading off before it’s too late.
What’s on your bucket list?
You’re sitting at your office desk, minding your own business and pretending to work when the boss shoves a greetings card in your face. Some office monkey you don’t give a crap about is leaving/having a baby/had the sense to clear off and get another job. And now the whole damn company has to sign a tacky greetings card. By the time the card reaches you, it is already full of witty and clever remarks.
Stuck for something to write? Here are a few ideas.
Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.
If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.
Let me know about the desk.
You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.
Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!
Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!
Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!
Don’t
Be
Long-
Our
Office
Doesn’t feel the same without you!
Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!
Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!
Good luck with your new “career” - when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.
Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!
Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!
Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.
The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!
To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.
an’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.
Congratulations! What colour is it?
Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.
Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.
I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.
I’m so happy for you! As you watched that bloody, mucus-covered being spurt forth from your wife’s hideously stretched vagina, it must have felt like the most special day ever. Isn’t childbirth a miracle?
Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.
Congratulations on your little miracle! I can’t have children, so I’ll never experience the joy of that first smile. Some people have all the luck! And some of us will face our old age forgotten and alone. Some couples breed like rabbits, while us barren rejects are left to suffer having baby pictures shoved in our faces and hearing the same frigging cute anecdotes again and again in a torturous reminder of how useless we are. Bastards.
I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.
OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!
Seriously, let me know.
God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!
I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.
Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.
Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big blue eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.
I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?
XXX
John
Now when that office card drops on your desk, you’ll never be stuck for a comment again!
(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)
Why do healthy foods taste like cack? I’m sorry, but a weedy carrot is no substitute for a moist chocolate cake dripping with cream and hot silky fudge.
I’ve tried to follow a healthy diet, but there are some foods I cannot get past my gullet…
Brown Anything
“Substitute regular pasta and rice with the wholemeal variety!” squeaks the skinny fitness guru on TV. “It will make your heart and rectum happy!”
Have you eaten wholemeal pasta? It puts the ‘rough’ into roughage, that’s for sure! Rather than sucking up silky strings of spaghetti, the wholemeal version feels like your lips are being sandblasted. It has a crunch that should not be there. It’s brown.
I bet that if I traveled the length and breadth of Italy I wouldnt see a single shred of brown pasta anywhere. I guess the Mafia destroyed the Italian wholemeal industry after a ‘healthy’ lasagna made a Don a bit too regular. Well done, chaps!
Brown rice is even worse. Health nut vegans coming to dinner? Out of brown rice? Simply get your hamster to shred a cardboard box and serve the chewy shards with tofu. Your pasty party guests never notice the difference!
Raw Food
My granny swore by raw food during World War II. Having spent her rations on silk stockings and liquor, she often had nothing left for cooking fuel. So she would ‘dig for victory’ and unearth a few turnips to chew on while the Luftwaffe bombed seven bells out of her. That was the wartime spirit! And everyone was as fit as an ox! Not like kids today, mutter, mutter, etc.
Granny was wrong. Most people from World War II are now shriveled, white-haired and have false teeth (probably from all that raw turnip chewing). The epitome of health and vitality? I think not!
Bacteria
Seen those TV adverts for probiotic yogurt? The advert seems to think that having billions of crawling bacteria in your pudding is a good thing.
This is what bacteria look like:
an you imagine that swimming around your yogurt pot?
I’d like to know what makes these wiggly critters so good for me. Would they make me taller? Whiten my teeth? Put more smart thoughts in my brain? I doubt it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want any bacteria in my body, thank you very much.
Be everyone's friend at the movie theatre with a durian!Smells Funny
I should eat more green vegetables. But they smell funny. That tempting clump of broccoli smells good at the supermarket, but as soon as I get it home it starts to give off a strange cabbagey aroma. Boiling it turns the aroma into a toxic stink. Dinner guests move outside and eyes begin to water. Suddenly a Chinese take-out is looking favourable.
Did you know the world’s stinkiest fruit is the durian? Imagine a main sewer blockage on a hot day and you’re about there. In many Asian countries you can’t take a durian for a ride on a bus or to a movie because they are banned from many public places (sadly, this ban does not extend to sweaty tourists).
If you can get over the rotting flesh smell, the durian is the sweetest and most delicious fruit ever tasted. Apparently. Next dinner party, I’ll give it a try. It might mask the smell of broccoli.
I feel quite queasy now. I wonder though - maybe there is sales potential in the eco-nut health market for brown rice and broccoli yogurt…?
Examination day is almost upon me! My job is making us do stupid little tests to gauge how much we know about the workplace and our jobs.... Being the fool I am, I have compiled a series of pencil-chewing mock exam questions for you to try out for fun.
You have three hours… no talking, eating or bleeding.
Good luck!
MATHEMATICS
1. Assuming an average erect penis is 5.25″, how many members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team would be able to sign their name on one penis before they run out of space?
2. A car is travelling at 130 kilometers per hour. A police officer has 6 minutes to wait before being served at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. How long will it take for the cop to finish his coffee and apprehend the speeding car?
3. A Somali pirate has slashed your throat after seizing control of your ship.
Assuming a bleed rate of 58ml of blood per second, how many minutes will you wreathe on the floor in agony before succumbing to your injury?
4. An Amsterdam prostitute charges €50 an hour for services rendered. At an exchange rate of €1 to $1.37, calculate the cost of a 7 minute blow.
5. Scholars insist 3 into 7 won’t go. Make it go.
HISTORY
1. Did the 19th Century Chartist movement represent a major challenge to the English political system? Or was it all just a bit gay?
2. “Peas in our time.” Discuss the political impact of frozen vegetables on the 1948 Berlin Blockade.
3. The construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza - How dey do dat?
4. With reference to the socio-economic hypothesis presented in Das Kapital, if Karl Marx was an ice cream, what flavour would he be?
5. Explain the main issues behind the Great Papal Schism of the 14th Century, in a French accent.
PHILOSOPHY prepared for the inevitable Meat Loaf question!
1. Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but won’t do that. Explain what you think that thing is he won’t do.
2. “‘Tis is better for a man to be noble and impotent, than be ignoble and have a really hard cock.” Discuss.
3. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Explain.
4. “You’ll be saying ‘Wow’ every time you use it.” Examine this statement a) in relation to ancient Greek Sophist theory and b) with reference to Aristotle’s assertion that a Zorbeez was a lot better at mopping up cola spills.
5. Why is Richard Simmons? Discuss.
BUSINESS STUDIES
1. Your business can save $1,000,000 a year by transferring production to an African sweatshop. Give five reasons why having small children working in your factory is actually for their own good.
2. A competitor has copied your product and has flooded the market with a cheap imitation. Explain how to counter the threat using a) revised marketing strategies b) legal action and c) a dirty hooker and a video camera.
3. Wholesaler #1 has 55 grams of poor quality Kush, whereas Wholesaler #2 is offering 28 grams of premium Moroccan hash. The wholesale price for both is $13 per gram. Assess the best value deal for your clients.
4. Customer profiling reveals that 57% of your customers are male, aged 35-50, with a preference for large hairy men. Explain how this will affect your forthcoming advertising campaign.
5. Discuss how the stock market crash of 2008 affected commodity values of a) oil, b) puppies and c) Meat Loaf.
Time’s up, pencils down. So how did you do? I’m guessing not so well.
Don’t despair, hopeless exam flunkers! Trump your tests the Fool's way, with my new study guide Math, Marx and Meat Loaf - only $19.95, available from all good pet stores.
Governments are always trying to think up sneaky ways to tax us. Here are some things that annoy me. I think they should be taxed more.
Crocs Tax
I nearly bought a pair of these hideous plastic things once. In theory Crocs are a good idea - you can get them wet and are perfect for the beach! Fortunately, my fashion sense beat back all rational thoughts and I managed to escape the store empty-handed. Phew!
Free Form Jazz Tax
Now I like a good tune as much as anyone. But free form jazz sounds like an orchestra being fed into a crushing machine. It confuses my brain and makes me cry. I sometimes think they play it in trendy furniture stores just to get rid of me.
Tax on the Phrase “Going Forward”
Next time your boss uses this phrase in a meeting, thump him. It’s for his own good. If your boss is a lady, don’t worry as ladies don’t say that sort of thing. If your boss is a lady and uses that phrase, she is really a man in disguise, so feel free to thump her/him. Then call the tax office and squeal.
Dog Tax
This umbrella tax covers Dog Poo Tax, Dog Piss Tax, Dog stupidly barking at nothing tx and I Only Bought A Dog So I Could Take Amusing Pictures Of It And Post Them On The Internet Tax.
Irritating Receptionist Voice Tax
“Good morning, TwatCorp - how can I direct your call?” squeaks that irritating high-pitched voice on the other end of the phone. Have you noticed how receptionists always sound slightly sarcastic? They don’t really want you to have a good day, TwatCorp can go suck it and it doesn’t matter who you want to speak to because they are going to cut you off in three seconds. All receptionists should be taxed out of existence and replaced with Steven Hawking.
Terrible TV Tax
Oh hang on, I think we already have that one. It’s called ‘Cable Subscription’.
Facebook Tax
Maybe not a popular tax, but if Facebook was taxed I may think twice about spending hours poking friends, sending pretend cocktails to people I don’t know and taking “What Colour Spacehopper Are You?” quizzes.
I mean, really! Come on. I mean, not to come on, but...Tacky Fake Tits Tax
Ladies who show off their man-made mammaries because they think they look sexy should be slapped with a huge tax, or at least compensate the rest of us for visual tit trauma. You’d think boffins would come up with fake tit implants that actually look like real breasts. They spend enough time on the internet looking at them.
Are there any other products or services you would like to see a huge tax slapped on? (Please note: suggestions including blond Tax, Fat Arse Tax and Canadian Blog Tax may result in you being banned from my blog.)
1. A cop wearing only one shoe
2. People who order skinny lattes but aren’t sure what skinny lattes are
3. People who believe Sunday is the first day of the week
4. People who insist a tomato is a fruit
5. A lap dancer that smells of cheese
6. Eighty-seven Goths
7. A door-to-door tampon salesman
8. A Christmas Parade Santa with a weak bladder
9. A vicar clenching a potato between his buttocks
10. An underage ambulance driver
11. A one-armed pizza chef
12. A dwarf dressed as a pixie
13. Anyone who bought a ShamWow because they liked the TV ad
14. A superhero with Tourette’s
15. A door-to-door door salesman
16. A bishop with a squirrel under his hat
17. A lawyer who lives in a trailer
18. A heavily perspiring Hooters Girl
19. A pixie dressed as a leprechaun
20. A Wal-Mart greeter with an erection
Have you met anyone you don’t want to meet recently?