Gordon Ramsay

Lately I’ve been addicted to Gordon Ramsay TV shows. I guess it boils (har har, get the pun?) down to me liking swearing a whole lot, or maybe I enjoy scabby faces? I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter.

Gordon Ramsay shows include:

Hell’s Kitchen: Gordon Ramsay stars as a hypertension-riddled version of himself who screams at wannabe chefs for an hour.

If you’ve ever wondered how mad someone can be at overcooked scallops, this is the show for you to watch. Have you ever fucked up when cooking spaghetti? Holy fuck, it’s time for you to die, according to Chef Ramsay.

This is not a show you watch if you’d like to learn how to cook. This is a show you watch if you want to learn how to insult fat people, women, men, French people, cows, and Texans. But if you get off on people being ridiculed like I do except when the object of ridicule is me, then this is the show for you.

Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares: Gordon Ramsay travels from British town to British town, insulting restaurateurs who suck at pretty much everything. It’s more or less the traveling circus, except without clowns, elephants, tents, and everything that makes a circus a circus unless the circus only featured Gordon Ramsay saying “Holy fucking hell” for 30 out of a possible 40 minutes of air time.

The premise is this: Gordon Ramsay swoops into a restaurant, swears a whole lot, leaves for a month, then comes back and sees how much his swearing has improved the restaurant’s business. (It usually proves somewhat successful.)

Gordon Ramsay Kicks An Effigy of Mother Theresa In The Snatch Repeatedly: This show, which is perhaps less famous than the previous two shows, features Gordon Ramsay kicking a stuffed doll of Mother Theresa in the vaginal region for a half hour. No dialogue, no plot, just the occasional grunt and foul word, and a whole lotta foot-flailing. Due to limited syndication, this show is perhaps only aired in my brain.

“Why Mother Theresa?” you might ask. The answer from Gordon Ramsay is, “Fuck you, pig.”