Nuke It

I like to cook, as long as cooking means putting something in the microwave. Chances are if a product involves more steps than ripping off a wrapping and putting in near a heat source, I can’t do it. Sometimes I forget this though. Every once in awhile I extend myself beyond my culinary boundaries.

One day I was doing my grocery shopping and was wandering through the aisles picking up whatever caught my eye. That’s how I buy food, don’t judge me! While in the bakery aisle I noticed a box of pancake batter. I had not had pancakes in a long while, and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of having them that day. Granted, it was already 1:00 in the afternoon and having pancakes for dinner is a little too crazy for most folks. Luckily Im young, if the Birthgiver's mother ever found out I was having dessert for supper she would be furious.

Later in the frozen foods aisle, I saw a pack of frozen raspberries. On the package in big curvy black letters it said, “Great for cooking!” I put two and two together and decided raspberries would go great with my cooked pancakes.

Somewhat later in the evening, I began to make my pancakes. On the box it clearly stated that adding water to the mix was the only thing necessary to prepare the batter. I pondered this for a moment and then decided that just adding water to the mix was boring. So, I put in a couple of eggs and replaced the water with milk…and got rid of a little bit of butter I had leftover.

I did not have a skillet so I had to use a frying pan. My apartment’s stove was notorious for its uneven cooking, but I braved the conditions just the same. I put some batter in the pan and I dropped in raspberries one by one. I added about ten, but it just didn’t seem like enough. To speed the process, I decided to pour from the bag. Instead of some raspberries, a bunch of raspberry juice came out. I said to myself, “Whatever, more raspberriness.”

Using a spatula, I mixed the raspberry juice in evenly, but that turned the batter purple. I now had purple raspberry pancakes. This did not concern me because I happen to find the color purple quite appetizing. After the pancake cooked on one side, I attempted to flip it. However, the pancake was too large to flip. I concluded that the best course of action was simply to use a smaller pan. This way the pancakes would be more manageable and probably more delicious.

It took me several minutes to locate my smaller pan. I tend to lose most of my cooking utensils if they are not vital to the operation of the microwave. Meanwhile, the pancake became overcooked and caked to my large pan. Caked isn’t a very good word, more like welded. I ended up chopping up the pancake into small chunks to get it out of the large pan. I wasn’t about to throw it away, I was quite sure the situation could be salvaged. Besides, I paid a hefty sum for those empty calories.

In the small pan the pancake was exactly the right size. However, the actual cooking was taking much too long, so I turned up my stove a notch. Apparently the 3 dial on the cooker means, “Smell funny, and don’t actually cook anything.” and the 2 means, “Burn the shit out of my pancakes.” Special note: pancake smoke is more acrid than French fry smoke, but far less acrid than turkey smoke. Just a little FYI there.

I didn’t want to set off the fire alarm so instead of turning off the stove I took the battery out of my fire alarm. I must have ripped a wire out in the process, because the fire alarm has never worked again. I’m still sitting here so my recommendation to everyone is to not put another dime in the pocket of Big Alarm. After both sides of the pancake were burnt I put them on a plate to eat.

The pancakes ended up not being cooked all of the way through. I was basically back to where I started: Relying on a microwave. The only setting I really know how to use was the ‘Popcorn in a Bag’ setting, so I put my pancakes in the microwave and pressed that button. The end product ended up looking a lot like purple burnt hamburger meat with thousands of raspberry seeds spread over the surface. I ate it too, I really hate wasting money.